


Confessions

by castronomicalmistakes



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Getting Together, M/M, Pining, Post-Canon, Truth Serum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:28:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29783709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castronomicalmistakes/pseuds/castronomicalmistakes
Summary: Rodney is gassed with an Ascension related truth serum, and is forced to tell everyone he makes eye contact with exactly how he feels about them.
Relationships: Rodney McKay/John Sheppard
Comments: 7
Kudos: 77





	Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta'd, sorry for mistakes!

They were exploring one of the southwest towers on a bright morning. Rodney was grumbling about the sun in his eyes and made a mental note to steal a pair from Sheppard next time he was in his room. Light was streaming in through tall curved windows as Rodney connected his tablet to the central console. It was a big round space with overstuffed, plushy chairs around the edges, and Rodney was beginning to devise a plan to badger Woolsey into letting him take one of those to his quarters.

The first word the tablet translated from the console was "Healing". Rodney sighed; another medical bay. It might prove to be useful, but Beckett would be better suited to examining this area than him. If this suite was like the last one they’d found, the doors behind him would lead to a few small examination rooms and the Lantean equivalent of an operating room. He clicked on his radio.

"Carson, we found another medical bay."

"Oh really?" came the soft brogue of Beckett's voice over the radio. "Where are ya?"

Rodney gave him directions. It wouldn't be hard to find them once Carson stepped off the transporter. Lorne and a team of Marines were still sweeping the nearby hallways with a few engineers. The tower hadn't sustained any damage that they knew of, but several sections of the ten thousand year old city had randomly flooded or collapsed over the last six years, and it was better to be safe than sorry. 

He stood by a window, watching the soothing waves lap against the sides of Atlantis. He was glad to be looking out over the water here in the Pegasus Galaxy rather than the San Francisco Bay. It was well over a year now since they’d returned without Jennifer, who had agreed to take a position with the SGC on Earth. They'd both known he wouldn't be staying with her. Atlantis was Rodney's home. He could never abandon his team, his family. Most importantly, he'd had a true moment of clarity when he’d realized that the person he _couldn't_ leave was John. Thinking about it had made his heart ache in a way it didn't when he'd thought about leaving Jennifer on Earth. And that had been a terrifying realization, one he'd managed to ignore and push away time and time again. Plus, he thought, pushing it away even now, he didn't think he could ever sleep well again without the soft sounds of the wind and sea drifting through the door of his small balcony. 

When Carson arrived, Rodney was still staring out the window, the tablet running through its program by the console.

"What've we got here, laddie?" Carson asked, rubbing his hands together as he entered the room. "Oh, this is quite lovely," he said, taking it in. Rodney looked around. The room had dark walls but the floor, furniture, and console were all a stark, clean white with thin grey lines. 

"Yes, yes," Rodney agreed, waving his hand dismissively, "It's very nice. The tablet has been translating the medical console over there." He pointed.

Rodney finally stepped away from the window, plopping himself into one of the cushy chairs. His hands came to lay on the arm rest, and there was a sudden hum from the chair as a little metal tube popped out of the cushion behind his head. It spewed a noxious purple cloud of gas right into his face.

Rodney shouted and leapt out of the chair with a yelp. "Oh my God!!" he shouted, "What the hell was that?!" Even in his panic, he recognized that his ATA gene had likely somehow activated the chair, which turned out _not_ to be the Lantean equivalent of a barcalounger, and now he had a substance of unknown origin _all over his face_!

He snapped into motion, going over to the wall that, in the other medical bay, contained the shower. The panel opened and he was proven right, stepping immediately into the small tiled area and stripping himself of his clothes efficiently before pressing the decontamination button.

Water furiously rained down over him and he tried not to panic. He could hear Carson yelling, and then the man’s voice was just outside the small shower room. 

"What happened, Rodney?" Carson shouted.

"I sat down and the fucking chair sprayed me right in the face!” Rodney yelled back through the water. “It’s probably some sort of toxin, and I’ll have survived the wraith war only to be killed _BY A CHAIR_!"

The decontamination program finished and the water subsided in an instant, and Rodney found himself naked and freezing cold. Carson handed Rodney his own vest and dry pants, which Rodney was grateful for, despite knowing they’d make a strange sight walking back to the infirmary.

He stepped out of the shower and caught Carson’s eyes for the first time. Without warning, words flew out of Rodney’s mouth. 

"Carson. I know you aren't precisely the same man who died, and I still feel guilty about his death. But, it doesn't matter to me that you're his clone. You're still Carson Beckett at heart, I truly believe that, and every day I'm so damn glad you're here. You're my friend and I love you."

With a jolt, Rodney snapped his mouth shut, his eyes wide with horror at the unwitting admission, even as he felt all the love he had for Carson welling up in his heart.

Beckett was also somewhat frozen in shock. "Well, Rodney,” he said after a moment. “That was quite beautiful. Thank you," Carson said sincerely. "But now I'm certain that gas has affected you." 

Rodney nodded, scared to open his mouth again. Where the hell had that come from? 

They both turned as Lorne rushed into the room. He blanched as he looked at them. "Uh, Doc? Where are your pants?"

"An unknown substance was sprayed into Dr. McKay's face," Carson said, ignoring the fact that he was now running around in his briefs. "Let's go."

Lorne nodded but before he turned, Rodney accidentally locked eyes with him and without warning blurted out, "Major Lorne, you are an admirable soldier and a good man. Thank you for saving my life several times over. I'm glad you're here in Atlantis." Lorne blinked and looked utterly surprised but also a little pleased. Before he could answer, Rodney tore his eyes away and looked back at Carson. 

"Christ, what the hell is that stuff? Confession serum?" Rodney nearly shrieked.

Rodney covered his eyes as they steered him out of the room and toward the transporter, yelling, "Grab my tablet!" assuming someone would obey his order, and he made sure to keep his eyes firmly covered, lest he make any more insanely bizarre declarations toward Lorne's team of Marines. 

It was comforting to learn that, once he'd made whatever confessions his mouth produced without his consent, he was able to converse with a person normally, so he could look Carson and Lorne in the eye, but Rodney made certain he didn't meet the gaze of anyone else as he was hurried to the medical bay. By the time Carson was done running every test imaginable, Rodney had the tablet back and was combing through the little information it had translated. The biggest red flags were the words "Emotional release" and "Ascension", and Rodney was not the least bit interested in either of those things. He'd already done the whole ascension bit. And spouting off his feelings about every single person he came in contact with was _mortifying_. 

So, of course, Ronon and Teyla showed up at the infirmary. Rodney had expected his team would make an appearance once they heard he was here, but he’d hoped to put it off a lot longer. Ronon looked at Rodney with a gleam in his eye. 

“Lorne said you got juiced up with truth serum.” 

“Lorne is a horrible gossip and I regret every nice thing I said about him!” Rodney snapped. His eyes caught Teyla’s and he could feel the words building in his throat. He groaned just as his mouth opened. “Teyla,” he said. “You are the most patient and kind person I have ever known. You’re an incredible woman, a wonderful mother, and despite how terrifying and gross it was, I’m actually glad I got to help deliver Torren. You make me want to be a better person. You’re my family, and I love you.” 

She approached the hospital bed and touched her forehead to his. “And I you, Rodney,” Teyla said. He reached out and gripped her arm, overwhelmed. As if it wasn’t enough to say all those stupid things, apparently he had to feel them, too.

Teyla took a step back as Ronon grinned. “My turn.” 

Rodney took a deep breath and then made himself look Ronon in the eye. The words spilled out. “Ronon, you are a true warrior. You are loyal and brave and I'd be dead ten times over if it weren't for you. I feel safer when you're with me, and because of you, I am a braver man. You’re my brother, and I love you.”

Ronon leaned over the bed and wrapped Rodney up in a bear hug. “You’re my brother, too, McKay.” His voice was soft, and Rodney squeezed back.

Okay, Rodney thought, patting Ronon on the back, maybe this whole “emotional release” thing wasn’t so bad. It was actually kind of nice.

“I am surprised Colonel Sheppard is not here,” Teyla said. 

Rodney paled. Scratch that. Maybe the whole “emotional release” thing was about to get really, really awful. He’d known he was stupidly in love with John for over a year, though he was certain he’d loved the man for much longer than that. But Rodney could barely admit that to himself, and to say it out loud to the man himself might actually give Rodney an aneurysm.

“I, ah, I um, I need to discuss some things with Carson, please,” he told them. Teyla gave him a knowing look, one he was definitely going to ignore, but she and Ronon graciously made their exit.

“Glad you’re okay, McKay,” Ronon said as they left.

“Well, we don’t know that for sure,” Rodney muttered. The gas could have done something else, too. Carson was still combing through all his test results. 

He called Beckett into the room. 

“Nobody else is to come into this room except you until we figure this out,” Rodney said sternly. 

Carson nodded. Then the doctor put his hand on Rodney's shoulder. "You're my friend and I love you too, you know," Beckett said. Rodney nodded and they smiled at each other awkwardly for a moment before Carson squeezed Rodney's shoulder and left the room.

An hour later, they’d gotten nowhere. There was a small area of Rodney’s brain that was particularly active, but he didn’t seem to be in immediate danger. Beckett was standing next to the bed shrugging helplessly.

“Honestly, Rodney, I think you might simply have to wait it out. Your body will filter it through and you’ll be right as rain. I can’t think of any other tests to perform; we’ll just have to see if it runs its course.” 

“I can’t believe you graduated medical school,” Rodney grumbled. 

Carson patted him on the shoulder sympathetically. “Why don’t you go back to your room? Perhaps fluids and rest will help.” 

Carson left and Rodney sighed, leaning back against the bed. He was about to pick his feet up and do as Beckett had suggested when someone burst into the room. Rodney didn’t think before he looked up and locked eyes with John. Shit.

He felt the words coming. "John, you-" he started and then immediately clamped both his hands over his mouth, muffling the words that tried to come out. 

“I just got out of the IOA meeting,” John said slowly, eyeing Rodney warily. “Lorne said you were in the infirmary, why the hell didn't anybody call me?!” 

Rodney stared resolutely at the ceiling, one hand firmly over his own mouth, the other pointing at the door.

John crossed his arms. “No, I’m not leaving! Tell me what the hell is going on, Rodney!” 

Rodney’s relief was palpable when he heard Carson come into the room. “He, ehm, can’t speak to you right now, Colonel,” Beckett said. “And he asked not to be disturbed.” 

“What’s wrong with him?” John demanded. 

“Oh, nothing serious, Colonel.” 

“What does _that_ mean?”

“Sorry, John. Patient confidentiality,” Carson said, clicking his tongue.

John narrowed his eyes. “But he’s fine? He’s fine, right?” 

Beckett nodded. “He’s alright. Just a little mishap in a new medical bay we found.” 

Turning back to Rodney, who was studiously focused on the ceiling, John frowned. “Why won’t he look at me?” 

“Eye contact is a sort of… trigger,” Carson explained. Rodney groaned, purposefully catching Carson’s eyes, and pointed at the door again. The more information John had, the worse this was going to be.

“Trigger for _what_?!” John demanded. Sheppard tried to step in front of Carson, to look at Rodney, but Rodney stared up at the ceiling, his face red with humiliation and anger.

Carson put on what Rodney secretly called his “big bad doctor face” and looked at John squarely. “Colonel, this is the infirmary. I’m sorry, but my patient clearly wants you to go. I suggest you take your leave before I have your Marines remove you.” 

Rodney heard the sharp huff of air John snorted out and could imagine the irritated look on John’s face. 

“Fine. But if anything changes, you call me. We’re scheduled to go off-world tomorrow.” 

“Aye,” Carson agreed. “I will.” 

John stomped out of the room. There was a moment of tense silence and then Rodney heard Carson sigh. He finally tilted his head down and removed his hand from his mouth, grateful when no words forcibly flowed.

“Rodney,” Carson said gently, “you’re going to have to speak to him eventually.” 

Rodney’s heart seized in his chest. “I can’t,” he squeaked out. “I can’t say what this insipid truth gas will _make_ me say to him.” 

Carson looked at him sympathetically, and that was the moment Rodney realized _they all knew_ . Everybody knew he was utterly in love with John Sheppard _except_ John Sheppard. “Rodney," Carson said tentatively, "You know you’re just as important to him as he is to you, and he-” 

“Stop,” Rodney demanded, throwing a hand up between them. “No. We’re not discussing this.” 

Beckett was kind enough to simply nod, though with a hint of exasperation, and head out of the room. Rodney groaned and threw himself back against the bed. Sure, he knew John loved him as a friend. As family. But despite the flirtations (which Sheppard did with everyone) and the occasional desperate post-mission hug when one of them had nearly died, Sheppard had displayed no interest. They played games together, watched movies, and sat shoulder to shoulder with a laptop between them all the time. If John wanted Rodney, he’d had plenty of chances to say as much. And he never had. Rodney could only conclude his love for John was unrequited, and he could accept that. He could accept that he and John were first and foremost best friends. But he didn’t think he could handle a true rejection; the sad, helpless look on John’s face when he said, “ _I’m sorry, buddy. I just don’t think of you like that._ ” It would hurt Rodney more than anything anyone else had ever said to him in his life. And it wasn’t as if he hadn’t already had his fair share of insults hurled directly at his face. 

After he’d been served dinner in the infirmary (because going to the mess was _absolutely_ out of the question) Rodney went to his room. He gave Atlantis explicit instructions not to permit anyone but Beckett into his room, and then he did as the good doctor had suggested, laying down and drinking as much water as he could stomach. Pulling his laptop into bed, he answered emails, worked on debugging a patch of code for one of the new devices Radek was working on in the lab, and when he eventually got bored, he put on a playlist of classical piano music and closed his eyes, the music overlapping the sounds of the sea outside, and he fell asleep.

The sound of the door opening roused Rodney. He rubbed his eyes and looked up sleepily to find not Beckett, but John standing there. Sheppard’s arms were crossed and there was fire in his eyes.

“John, you’re-” Rodney automatically started, but he rolled and threw his face into his pillow and the words came out muffled and strained. 

“Very mature, McKay,” John scoffed. 

After a moment, Rodney sat up, making sure his back was to John. 

“I told Atlantis not to let anybody in but Beckett!” Rodney snapped. “You shouldn’t be in here.” 

“Well, _I_ told Atlantis to let me in,” John retorted.

Rodney frowned. Even with John’s exceptional ATA gene and his strong connection to Atlantis, the city shouldn’t have overridden his permissions. 

“And that just worked?” Rodney asked.

He could hear Sheppard shuffling behind him, and John’s silence gave him his answer.

“Oh my God,” Rodney said. “You broke in!” 

“You shut me out!” John growled. “You’ve _never_ done that, Rodney. Never.” 

“So you just rewired the door?” 

He heard fabric rustle and figured John was shrugging. “I’ve seen you do it a thousand times.” 

“Well, I never knew you were paying attention, otherwise I’d have rigged the damn door shut myself!” Rodney sniped. He had to put conscious energy into _not_ turning around and biting his words right in John’s face.

“I’m always paying attention,” John said, and it was a little softer than Rodney would have thought, given the heat of the conversation. He didn’t know how to interpret that.

“So, who told you?” Rodney growled. “Teyla?” 

“No,” Sheppard said. “She was pretty adamant about keeping your privacy.” 

“You sound a little mad about that.” 

“I _am_ a little mad about that!” John shot back. “I only found out that you were gassed with some kind of truth serum because I overheard Ronon and Lorne. They said you told Ronon and Teyla that you loved them and that they were family.” John paused, and his next words came out soft and anguished. “But you can’t fucking say that to me?” 

It was a tone Rodney had never heard from him before; raw, unfiltered hurt rang in John’s voice, and the sound of that alone pained Rodney as much as he knew it would to turn around and open his mouth. 

“Oh, that’s rich, coming from the man who can barely articulate his own damn feelings!” Rodney groused, hiding behind his familiar shield of derision. He sighed and said as calmly as he could, “You _are_ my family. Aside from Jeannie, the team is all I have. You _know_ that.” 

“Then what is it?” John asked, his voice uncertain. “You’ve always said exactly what you think, to everyone, even if it gets you in trouble. Hell, sometimes especially! What could you possibly be afraid to say to me?” 

“Please leave me alone, John,” Rodney said softly. “I can’t- I just can’t, okay?” 

“No,” John snapped, irritation lacing his voice. “Turn around.” 

“Please, please don’t make me do this,” Rodney said, balling his fists in his lap. “John, _please_.” 

He heard his voice break, and John must have too. He put a hand on Rodney’s shoulder, and Rodney tensed and shut his eyes, afraid John was going to try to turn him around. But John just gently squeezed and said, “Okay. Okay, buddy. I’m sorry.” John let go and took a step back. “I’m just worried about you.” 

“Carson cleared me. I’m completely fine.” 

John snorted at that. Rodney felt the bed dip and knew John had taken a seat. 

“So,” John said, “What do we do about our mission off-world tomorrow?” 

Rodney shrugged. “Take Zelenka.” 

“I don’t want Zelenka. I want you,” John told him. It made Rodney’s heart leap up into his throat, even though he knew John didn’t mean what Rodney wanted it to mean.

“Tough,” Rodney spat. “We can’t always have what we want.” 

For over a week, Rodney found himself forced to tell people exactly what he thought of them, because he refused to stay holed up in his room forever. He admitted to most of his scientists that they were smarter than he let on, that they usually did good work, and that he was, more often than not, proud of them. He told Woolsey that his command of Atlantis was commendable and that he was honored to work with him. He told Chuck that he was grateful for his presence every time they stepped through the gate. After a few days, he felt relatively at ease again. Either he’d already said his peace, or he didn’t really know the person he was speaking to, and apparently that meant he could converse with them normally. The only exception was that he very purposefully avoided seeing John Sheppard at all.

Zelenka went on the next three off-world missions with his team. They were all fairly straightforward peacekeeping missions, so it wasn’t exactly like Rodney would be missed. But he felt left out, like part of him was missing. He felt excluded from his family. And he knew he had no one to blame but himself and a bunch of assholes who'd been dead for 10,000 years. It made him irritable.

Eleven days after the incident, Rodney was in his room at his desk, surrounded by two laptops and three monitors with his back to the door. It was late when he heard the small chime that signaled someone had entered. Whoever it was let themselves in, and it only took a few footsteps and a breath for Rodney to know without turning around that it was John.

“What are you doing here? It still hasn’t worn off,” Rodney said wearily.

John didn’t say anything, but Rodney heard him sit on the couch. “Rodney, I…” John trailed off. He tried again. “I need you on the team.” 

“Zelenka is perfectly adequate.” 

John huffed. “Yes. He is. But he’s not _you_.” 

“Get to the point or get out,” Rodney snapped. He was being mean and he knew it, but he didn’t care. He just needed to wait a little longer for his body to process this stupid serum and then things could go back to normal. 

“I need… dammit, Rodney, I want my friend back,” John pleaded. That was something Rodney rarely heard in John's voice. John Sheppard didn’t _beg_ for anything, at least not for himself. “Can’t we just get past this?” 

Rodney wanted to say that he’d _tried_ to get past it, tried to let go of his desires where John was concerned. He’d lain in bed countless nights, demanding his heart latch on to anyone else. But dating two different women hadn’t worked. Not dating anyone hadn’t worked. And at the end of the day, he only wanted John. And he couldn’t have him.

“If… if you hate me, deep down, or resent me, or if I did something, you just have to say it!” John said. He sounded pained, and it struck Rodney like a knife. “I need you to trust that, whatever it is, we can figure it out together," John continued. "Like we always do.” 

Rodney hunched in on himself over the laptop. He was emotionally strung out from the last week and a half and starting to wonder if maybe he really could just spit it out and take whatever painful reply John threw at him and move on. How could it be worse than watching John get fed on by a wraith? Worse than the guilt of destroying the majority of a solar system? Worse than slowly losing his intelligence and memories? Worse than losing Elizabeth not once, but twice?

“Please, Rodney,” John begged. 

The ache in John’s voice broke the last of Rodney’s resolve. He stood up and slowly turned around. Sheppard stood too, and Rodney slowly lifted his eyes to John’s. If John truly needed him to do this, he would. He would do anything for John, even this.

“John,” he started, just as he had each time before, “You’re the bravest man I’ve ever met. I think you’re smarter than everyone on this base except me. You’re my best friend, my team, my family.” Tears welled up in his eyes but he didn’t throw his hand over his mouth or look away. There was no going back, now, and once Rodney decided to do something, he did it with conviction. He carried on valiantly. “You’re the reason I came back to Atlantis instead of staying on Earth with Jennifer,” he admitted, watching John’s eyes widen, but he held them steadily. “You keep me grounded _and_ you, quite literally, taught me to fly. I have never, _ever_ cared for someone as much as I care about you.” he said, and he knew the worst part was coming, steeling himself. “If I lost you, I would lose me, too. I am utterly in love with you, John Sheppard.” Then his mouth closed, and he braced for a crushing blow.

In one quick step, John was in Rodney’s space, reaching up and gently laying his hands on the sides of Rodney’s face. Rodney’s eyes expanded in shock as John stared into them, the expression on Sheppard’s face suddenly blown open in a way it rarely ever was, with his lips turned up in a dopey smile. John opened his mouth like he wanted to speak, but nothing came out. He grinned and shrugged helplessly, and then he kissed Rodney with absolute abandon. John was not a man of words but actions, and he wanted to show Rodney all the things he couldn't say.

It only took a millisecond for Rodney’s surprise to turn into elation, and he wrapped his arms around John and opened his mouth to let John in, to let him take whatever he wanted. And John did, kissing Rodney until they were both breathless.

John finally pulled away and smiled, running his thumb across Rodney's cheek. He pressed their lips together again, softer but with no less passion. Then they stared at each other for a long moment.

“Well,” Rodney finally said, his hands running up and down John’s strong arms. Now that he could do this, touch John this way, he never wanted to stop. “I really thought you were going to tell me you weren't gay.” 

John frowned. “What? Rodney, I’ve been flirting with you for six years!” 

“You flirt with everyone!” Rodney protested. “And it’s not like there’s a precedent for you liking men.”

“I ‘flirt with _everyone_ ’ but there’s no precedent for me liking men?” John repeated, raising his brow.

Rodney’s brain short circuited. How the hell could he have missed that? A small, “Oh,” was all he could get out.

John let out a little laugh and kissed Rodney again, leisurely and affectionate. Then he pulled back and Rodney watched John steel himself like he was going into battle. 

“If I lost you, I would lose me, too,” John said quietly. 

Rodney reached out and John took his hand. Rodney kissed John’s knuckles, knuckles that had bled for him, shed blood for him, and caressed him. John smiled a new, soft smile, one Rodney wanted to see every day.

“You couldn’t possibly think it would be easy to get rid of me,” Rodney told him.

A small laugh left John’s lips and he pulled Rodney close, sliding his hand under Rodney's shirt as he snaked it around the other man's waist. “Never,” John promised, kissing Rodney again. 

That night was the best night of sleep either man had gotten in years.

On the 15th day, the serum wore off. While Rodney was, of course, relieved, there was a little part of him that would always be grateful for the experience, though he still refused to imagine what would have happened if he’d had to face Carter, or heaven forbid Landry or any of those other idiots at the SGC. After Rodney’s unbidden bouts of praise, his scientists had begun working harder than ever. Woolsey even seemed more comfortable in his presence, and Lorne had offered to show him where John kept a secret stash of chocolate in the armory. But above all else, Rodney was grateful because John was now well and truly _his_. And Rodney was certain of it, because he’d learned that if he stayed awake long enough, John would whisper, “ _I love you_ ,” when he thought Rodney was asleep. And he knew that, one day, when they weren’t fighting or running for their lives, when they were happy and whole again, John would be able to say it while looking Rodney in the eyes. And Rodney was willing to wait.

**Author's Note:**

> I keep thinking about writing the same thing happening to John instead, and including it as a sequel... any interest?


End file.
